Equality
The Quest for the Happy Marriage
Tim Kellis
Gilgamesh Publishing
ISBN: 978-0-9799848-0-8
440 pages
When I began reading Equality: The Quest for the
Happy Marriage, by Tim Kellis, I expected to read a typical
counseling book such as those that fill the shelves of bookstores. Most
of these are written by experts in the field of counseling who have
degrees in psychology, psychiatry, or pastoral ministries. I was
totally wrong in regard to the word “typical.” This book delves deep
into the mind, reminding readers of historical happenings, successful
businesses, politics, education, religion, family backgrounds, and the
scientific work of many individuals, all which, according to the
author’s findings, can unlock some of the mysteries as to what is behind
the 50 percent divorce rate among couples who promised to love one
another “for better or worse.”
Although written for couples, this is also a
self-help book for individuals who may find answers as to why happiness
has always seemed to elude them. The author stresses that individuals
must be happy within themselves before they can be happy in a
relationship. It is not a book to be read in one setting since it is
scholarly, philosophical and informative—a book that needs to be studied
with an open, fervent mind. Much of the book is autobiographical as Mr.
Kellis describes his early home life, education, successful career,
various dating experiences and finally what happened when he met Suzanne
who captured his heart—someone he truly believed that he wanted to spend
the rest of his life with. At first the relationship was wonderful…it
was beautiful…it was exciting…it was passionate…it was everything they
both wanted. Tim and Suzanne got engaged, fought, went to therapy
sessions, and eventually broke up. How could such a perfect
beginning end so badly? There had to be answers, and he would find
them!
The words “common sense” and “logic” are the
threads that connect the chapters of this book through the author’s
insightful research and obvious intellect. Let’s take a look at the
word “equality” and its role in a couple’s relationship. Though Mr.
Kellis talks about past traditions, he emphasizes that the movement
toward equality between men and women was, and continues to be, a
progressive move that is morally and legally justified. He states that
in a relationship both individuals must share equally in the feeling and
thinking side of the psyche of the relationship. Men do feel and women
do think; also men do think and women do feel! The author also believes
that common sense leads a couple to take on the world together, rather
than arguing with one another. Instead of becoming involved in
faultfinding, both parties need to concentrate on problem solving by
using logic and common sense to help resolve issues.
Among the many resources for his research, the
author uses and critiques relationship books written by various authors
and also studies the findings of scientists and health
professionals—those from the past as well as those considered to be
experts in today’s society. Mr. Kellis has concluded that most of
today’s therapists do not actually understand the problems in a
relationship, or if they do, they don’t go far enough to actually find
answers. He also believes that they don’t know how to stop
disagreements from turning into arguments. As someone who has done
considerable counseling, I, too, believe this is true and that something
is amiss with the training these professionals have received. The author
emphasizes that faultfinding and simply defining a negative relationship
does not lead to happiness; problem solving, on the other hand, gets to
the root of problems and can save marriages. Readers are given a lot of
information as to how the mind works, including how we all too often
fall in love with someone because of looks and money, not understanding
that we stay in love because of character. A very important lesson to be
learned is that we must choose to get over our past
experiences—including anger toward parents—or we will transfer such
negative emotions onto our spouses. Face and forgive are two key words
to avoid such transference. When an individual first falls in love,
this is experienced in the conscious as happiness; however, if there are
unresolved issues in the unconscious that have not been dealt with, the
result will be fear and unhappiness. The author, through the help and
advice of friends, was able to forgive his parents for negative
childhood memories that he had carried around for years; only then did
he find the key to experiencing real happiness. Suzanne, on the other
hand, had never confronted her past and subsequently found fault after
fault with him, a man she had loved so much—in the beginning.
Tim Kellis touches briefly on the works of Dr.
Sigmund Freud whose hypothesis was that our behavior is determined by
the brain we are born with. This leads to the conclusion that we can do
nothing about our troubles. The author does not accept this theory but
does embrace the work of Dr. Carl Jung who theorized that we have minds
that develop and that we can correct our insecurities through the impact
of our unconscious on our conscious. Dr. Jung spent his entire life
delving into the workings of the mind.
This book encompasses a vast amount of information
for the reader to digest; however, it is a book for those who have
chosen to find the path to real happiness—perhaps to turn their backs on
many established therapy practices and think for themselves. Think,
feel, and behave! Equality: the Quest for the Happy Marriage will
help make this possible.
At his last therapy session, the author received
permission from his therapist to record the conversation. Readers are
given a word-for-word transcript of the session and can reach their own
conclusions as to what was accomplished.
It is my opinion that this book is unique and could
prove to be a very helpful resource for individuals, couples, and
professionals involved in counseling.
Bettie Corbin
Tucker
For Independent Book Reviewers
www.bookreviewers.org
March 12, 2009
